Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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