wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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