mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
