Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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