I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If that was your dad, he is hot
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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