i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
