a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
