Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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