you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
