Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
