I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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