My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
