Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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