Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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