I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
