let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
