True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
