He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
