I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
