I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
