then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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