how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize