I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
