I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
