vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Green mimosas i think yes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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