he puts the penis in happiness.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
