Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
