WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
