I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
