Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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