So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
