I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
