some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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