I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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