true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
