Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
