I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize