Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
