Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
