It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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