God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I need moral support for this bender
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
