just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
