I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
