just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
