i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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