she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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