he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
