At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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