I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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