Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
