some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Pants are for mortals
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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