I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize