just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
