i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
