he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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