My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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