I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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