pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
