he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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