Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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