Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
