i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
