Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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